My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
