my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
my liver is dry heaving
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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