i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
