Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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