i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
