Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
