Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
