I hope mine doesn't look like that
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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