I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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