fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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