did you get engaged???
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
