I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
