I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
