well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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