dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
