Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
