God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize