omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
