actually, I'm a sock model
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
