I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
