she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
