I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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