Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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