I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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