im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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