My balls are so social today.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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