and i looked up. we had an audience...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
