Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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