i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
