i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
