you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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