My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
