My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
