Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
