Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
