Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
