i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
