That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
