I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
