in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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