saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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