I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
