I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she smelled like a LAN party
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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