Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
