guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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