I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
