I want to make a zoo with you.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize