I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
