I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
