Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
