im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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