Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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