I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
