Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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