Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
